Sharing Stress Soup

So, have you ever seen this?

Well, if you haven't and you're naturally a stressed person (like myself), maybe you shouldn't watch it.  Though very insightful, it stressed me out more.  The major point that brought on unwanted anxiety was the portion of the documentary that talked about some of the most stressed people in the world.  Do you know who they are?  Yep, mothers of children with disabilities.  Interesting isn't it?

By the way, this is very hard for me to talk about.

I've always had anxiety.  I've also recognized that it's gotten worse over the years.  It comes with being a control freak and perfectionist I guess.   I've talked to you in the past about the battles of faith and fear and learning how to let some things go.  I have always thought my stress and anxiety were manageable with the help of exercise, St. John's Wort and my Stress B Complex.  But in the last few months, nothing has been helping.   Less sleep,  crying more, less self worth,  panic attacks... fear.  I finally broke down and got a prescription from my doctor; for the nights I just can't calm down by myself. 

It's been a hard thing to admit, because hey, I'll be the first person to tell you, I'm strong, I can handle it! 

Isn't it interesting the way Heavenly Father teaches us, and uses us to teach others.  Because, as you probably know, one of the main components that add to my stress level is Race's autism.  Race has lots of good days, but there are the bad ones.  And sometimes, the bad days consume me. 

Race doesn't have school on Fridays.  So after therapies and shots, we always head to the library.  It's our day that he and I get to spend a couple hours together, just he and I, and destress from the week.  I was sitting there, watching him in the library.  He was really into the comic books that day.  Every one around him could have been miles away for all he knew. 

And apparently for all I knew too.  Because as I sat there watching him, wishing he had a good buddy at school who understood him, wishing music class at school wasn't so overstimulating and hard for him, wishing he didn't want to play with the big kids who are less tolerant than the younger ones, wishing December's weren't so autistic, wishing for some form of relief for him!  It took a minute for me to realize that I was wiping tears away from my own cheeks.   It took me a minute for me to realize the three kids next to me were being obnoxiously loud in the library and I turned to see if there was any kind of supervision. 

And there was, and she just smiled at me knowingly.  How snobby and unfriendly I can be!  Because I didn't smile back.  Until I realized, these three kids of hers...

"They have autism."  I state, not a question. 

"Yes."  she smiles

"All of them?" 

"Yes, among other things."

"Are they siblings?"

"Triplets."

I was lost for words.  All three seemed more severe than Race.  I know I just stared.  Not at the kids, but at her.  Wondering at her calmness, wondering if she goes to school with them.  Wondering if she loses sleep at night, if she's afraid.  Wondering... at her smile.  "My son has autism."  is all I can say.  She glances at Race reading comic books.  He looks up and smiles at her.  She smiles back and nods.  We stare at each other for a moment.  She's smiling and I've got tears ready to spill over.  "How, how do you do it?"  I whisper.  Afraid to speak louder for fear my voice will crack and I'll start to bawl. 

I'm sure she could have said many things, but seeing my fragile state, she simply said, "The same way you do."

After a longer than usual library visit, Race and I made our weekly fast food trip.  It was amazing really.  The immediate flip in my spirit.  I felt good after talking to the mother in the library.  I thanked Heavenly Father for the strength I felt. 

As we left the drive through, the vehicle behind us starts honking.  Confused, wondering, what the heck, is my gas cap open?  do I have a flat?  I don't recognize her.  She's now motioning for me to stop.  I stop, and I wait for this complete stranger to get her food from the window and pull up next to me.  She gets out.  She looks tired, stressed, anxious.  I've seen that look in the mirror way too much. "Where did you get your bumper sticker?"  she asks in an almost desperate tone.

I have a magnet that looks like this on the back of my car:



After telling her, she says, "My son has autism."  She motions to the happy boy in the back of her SUV.  "We just moved here from North Carolina and..." she starts to cry.  "And I don't know what to do, everything is so hard here in Arizona!  I feel like I'm just running in circles!" 

I step out of my car, grateful to the mother in the library and my Heavenly Father, and the extra strength given to me just minutes ago...

...and I pass it along to my new friend.

A Christmas Card

It was the simple gift of love that changed the course of the world.

Christmas Blessings to you and yours

Winter Wonderland

Days after our beautiful weekend the weather seemed to has been non-stop rain/snow/slush whatever...  Here's an afternoon of us enjoying a quick trip up the Rim.

Here's the Fearless Polar Bear (that's what he named himself anyway)

 Yum...

It really was a perfect afternoon to escape all the cares and busy December days.  I'm so grateful for these kinds of days.  

Copper Canyon

The weekend of Thanksgiving was really our last of the perfect fall weather.  I'm so glad we got to enjoy it.  We spent that Saturday hiking.  John and I took the boys up Copper Canyon to see the water falls.  So beautiful...

I didn't get pictures of the waterfalls because I was too busy saving lives....this was our trial run for the Grand Canyon (ya, I know, it doesn't EVEN compare), and I have decided we are definitely NOT ready for it.  A couple more years...

Cooking

I seriously have no idea how or why my boys enjoy cooking with me.  I guess it's just a blessing because when I was a kid, I had no desire to help mom in the kitchen, except if it were to raid the fridge or eat whatever had ALREADY been cooked. 

I love that they enjoy helping.

Here's us making noodles for our soup.

And enjoying them...

Apples...



Little man likes to cook too.  I love making cheap toys...made out of extra stuff around the house.

Cardboard, leftover fabric, yarn and felt:

He's getting his hot pizza out of the oven.



And then of course there's clean-up.  Better enjoy their willingness while I can right?

Thanksgiving 2011

I'm soooo behind on my posting!  I'll explain after I catch up a bit...

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  We went down to Annell's casa for a quiet (if you call 10 children under the age of 8 quiet... :), relaxing, lazy day.  We ate, looked at Black Friday ad's, ate, chased kids, mostly stopping little boys from throwing rocks in the pool, ate, chased more kids, and ate some more...one of my favorite days of the year I must say.

We love our cousins,

G-Mom and Lane

And pumpkin pie!!  Yes, Nanna's crustless pumpkin pie  is a favorite of the grand kids.

Danny and John sleeping I mean watching Football

 We love having Chewy home from his military stuff...

We missed this guy:

He stayed home, still recovering from his hip replacement....yes, Mr. Basketball had to get his hip replaced.  He's recovering great; we love you Papa!

Hope you all had a safe and gratitude-filled Turkey Day!

Family Pictures

We got our pictures done for 2011.  My AMAZING friend Beth Adams of Beth Adams Photography did them for us; I think they are just perfect. Thanks sooooo much Beth!!

Here's some of my favorites:

I love my beautiful family...

Perception vs. Reality

The brain is so amazing.  The brain is so complex.  Perception is one tiny components that effects so much!  I've been thinking a lot about perception lately.  Whether it be in working with others in my calling, being a mother, a friend; how I interact with others.  Whether it's watching Race interact on the playground with other kids,  or reading from a character's point of view in a book. Perception is everything; it's our own individual reality. 

Perception (from the Latin perceptio, percipio) is the process of attaining awareness or understanding of the environment by organizing and interpreting sensory information.

Our perception is effected by our past experiences, our feelings, our limitations, our spiritual beliefs, everything.  It is so complex.  A good friend gave me a quote that is also posted on the sidebar of my blog.  I love this quote.  "Autism is a state of mind characterized by self-absorption, fantasy and a disregard of external reality."  I am always reminded that Race looks at the world so much differently than me...

Last week Race and I walked into Walmart.  And you know the big poster as you walk in, it looks similar to this...advertising the last HP movie for sale. 

Well I pushed the cart right past it; thinking nothing of it.  After all, I've read all the books, seen all the movies, no big deal.  But after about 15 feet into the store, I noticed Race wasn't right next to me.  My chest tightened for a spit second as I frantically looked around.  I calmed as I saw where he was, but I quickly noticed that he was crying as he stood there looking at the poster.  People and their carts were backed up, waiting for him keep walking.  He stood there, oblivious to everything around him, in tears.

"Race, come on."  I called out. 

No answer, he couldn't hear me.

I left my cart and went to him.  Taking his hand and guiding him out of the way, I asked, "What's up?  Why are you crying?"  Even though I already know.  You see, I've only let Race watch the first three HP movies because I know how the rest of them will effect him.  He's too young and they are too scary for him right now.  He frequently pulls the books off the shelve and reads bits of all of them.  He loves Harry Potter and he and I have almost finished the first book together.  So of course, the shock of Hogwarts Castle burning was huge.

"Why is Hogwarts Castle burning Mom?"  he asks through his tears.

"Race, we're just going to have to keep reading our books so you can find out." 

"Did Voldemort do that?" 

"Yes he did."

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..."  he cried.

"Race"  I say as I kneel down trying to catch his gaze and reach his worried little mind.  "It's just a book.  Remember?  It's not real.  It's just a story." 

"Why would he burn the castle down?"  he asks, trying his best to fight off a melt-down.

"Race, it's all part of the story.  And there's a lot of good, amazing things that happen too.  And in the end, Harry wins.  Harry beats Voldemort."

"Harry wins?"  He asks as he starts to calm a little. 

"Yes."

We finished our shopping, talking about Harry Potter the entire time.  And my heart hurts for my little man.  Because his perception is his reality.  And in his mind, even though he knows somehow all those things he loves like Harry Potter, Star Wars, Mario, and Speed Racer are not real,...they feel so real, and they are so real at the same time.  Just as real as our own physical world. 

I look at him, simply amazed.  He's fighting this constant battle inside his head between reality and perception.  And trying to make sense of it all.  And MOST of the time, he wins.

 He amazes me.

HP Fans RE-unite!

We had our 2nd annual Harry Potter Party.  Yes, we are die hards, yes, we love Harry.

Trick-or-Treat

Happy Halloween!!



Hope everyone had a great one, we sure did!

White Shores

My Uncle Henry died unexpectedly.  A heart attack.  He was too young, only 54.  On the 18th, Mom, Dad, Lane and I made a day trip up to Snowflake for the service.  It was beautiful.  It was sad.  Those words seem so shallow to use when you're standing there, watching his grieving sons (who are my age and younger) bury their father.  What words can you use?  What can you say?

I saw many of my cousins.  Some I haven't seen in years.  It felt good to see them.

Lance, Glenn, Georgie, Cory, Annell, me (missing...lots)

My parents saw many old friends and distant cousins, people I remember from my childhood.  People I now stand shoulder to shoulder with, instead of the way I remember, looking up into their faces. 

Uncle Glen, Aunt Tony, Mom, Uncle Rance (missing is Aunt Teddy and Uncle Pride)

I am so intrigued by the mind.  The power of the mind.  I've told you this before.  Because, as I was standing there, watching my uncle be buried, silently, tearfully observing the people around me, a familiar song was played.  And my mind was brought back to my Papa and the day we buried him 20 years ago.  Instantly, memories, thoughts and feelings from so long ago, surfaced.  I had forgotten how much I missed my Papa.  I could smell the orange trees in Mesa, the warm breeze blowing through the cemetery.  My cousins and I, so little then, crying, arm in arm.  My mom being strong for my Grandma.  It was so real again. 

And I wept.  I wept for my Uncle Henry and the family he was leaving behind.  I wept for my Aunt Tony, because she's too young to be a widow.  I cried for my cousin Crockett; we were close when we were kids and I suddenly missed him as he stood there grieving for his dad.  I cried for the way things were 20 years ago.  I missed all my cousins so much; Billy, Tres, Davy.  And I wanted them there standing next to me.  I cried for my brother Tyrrell.  Because I missed him too.

 I cried for time.  Because there just isn't enough of it, and it passes, and we get older, and things change. The people you loved as a child are practically strangers, living their own lives, as you live yours.  Because you see, after Papa died, the family didn't get together any more.  Not like we used to.  Things changed, and life happened.  So I cried for my sister.  Because I know half the time our immediate family gets together, its because of her.  She keeps this invisible string tied to all of us and keeps us close.  I'm so grateful to her for that. 

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father and this life he has given me.  And the people whose paths have weaved in and out of my own.  Life truly is a gift; and time is a treasure to spend as we please.  On this day, I wished so much I had spend a few moments differently, chasing and holding onto those childhood relationships.

Crockett and I

Pumpkins and Pigs

We love our annual pumpkin carving.  The boys are getting so good at it...

 And they work so hard at it...

 And it is just a great way to spend the evening together...

 And then a couple nights later, this happens...

A neighborhood family came to visit and stayed for dinner.  John went out and chased them off, but as they were running, they decided to take Lane's pumpkin with them.  I guess Race and Witt's were just too big to carry. 
Race thought it was pretty cool. 
Lane was making piggy noises as he watched from the window.
Witten, well, he got upset enough for everybody.  "All that hard work waisted!!!!  Don't worry Lane, I'll help you make another one."  As the tears  just kept coming...

Darn javelina.